October 20th, 2009
We’re moving
We’re moving to a place that
is pretty much exactly the opposite of where we live now.
Q and I have had our hearts
set on Orillia for quite some time now. I’ve only ever spent a few hours at a
time in Orillia. Once was a house concert in the middle of winter. And the
other time was at Zellers trying to buy a single fork for my homemade salad.
The second time was a terrible experience in which a woman “budded” in front of
me in the check-out line, and without thinking, I told her so. She claimed she
hadn’t, and the cashier backed her up. I have no idea why this injustice
angered me so much at the time, but I spent quite a while in my car going over
the things I could’ve said including my favorite line which was “it’s people
like you who ruin the whole world!” Thank god I’ve learned to bite my lip a bit
more. I often have to remind myself that things are never really what they
seem, and that I’m often wrong. Perhaps this woman really felt that she hadn’t “budded”
in line. And if she did, I’m sure that Karma will punish her appropriately : )
So, for the first time in
our lives, Q and I will be living right beside a lake. Our bedroom window looks
out at the morning sun and all you see are trees and lake. It’s beautiful!
Although this is only temporary, we feel so lucky to have the opportunity to
live in this place.
Although we had always
planned on laying our roots down in Orillia, we had not planned on leaving
Toronto quite so soon. It has pushed our schedule a little, which is actually
turning out to be a good thing.
But what will we do there?
My dad is already preparing
the cross-country skis for us, and I’ve got my wet-suit (that I’ve had for two
years and never worn) and flippers for puttering around the lake.
I wonder if we’ll feel more
relaxed. I wonder if I’ll have less anxiety (which I seem to have a lot of
these days).
It will be a big change, but
I’m quite sure we’re ready for it.
Nothing like moving and
having a wedding in the same month!!
Smiles to you on these cool,
short, October days.
Ang
July 23rd, 2009
Recording and stuff
This week is all about pre-production. Next week I go to Chalet Studio
to work with Sean Gugula. On Monday we will record the bass, drums, and
electric guitar for 3 – 6 of my new songs. I’m excited to work with my
band Andre Tellier, James Rasmussen, and Chris Staig. This is usually
the most exciting day of recording. These initial tracks are called
“Bed Tracks.”
The next couple of days will involve recording guitar, piano, and voice
parts over the bed tracks. I sometimes get nervous about this because
it requires me to perform at my best for a long and concentrated amount
of time. I had been getting comfortable with the option of taking weeks
to wait for the best day to record vocals etc. But without that choice,
it requires more discipline on my part.
All this said, it’s a wonderful thing to experience. I’m so glad to
have decided to work in a professional studio with a professional
engineer as opposed to working in my home studio. This choice alone
has forced me to work mainly on performance….which I truly believe is
the right thing for me to work on.
This is Day five without Spider Solitaire. I still have the game open
and ready to play on my computer at any time. The first two days were
difficult, but it seems to be getting easier now. I notice that I’m
able to do a lot more with my spare time now. I’ve even considered
working on that novel I had started writing before I met Spider
Solitaire ; )
Rain, rain, rain. Q has not been happy with this weather. He likes to
work outside on the deck. But I’ve really enjoyed the rain. It keeps
our bedroom (where I work) cool and I don’t have cravings to go outside
and laz in the sun. On top of that my little gardens are growing and my
happy plants have been fruitful…..by fruitful I mean, we’ve been able
to enjoy 10 beans, three onions, and one tiny but delicious tomato so
far : )
On a separate thought, this whole “being engaged” experience has been
extremely surprising to me. I used to think it wasn’t necessary to have
a whole year of engagement. Once you’ve made that choice, why wait? Now
I realize that the engagement phase is WONDERFUL. I love the slow
beginning of a lifelong commitment.
July 19th, 2009
The Break Up
I have to break up with Spider Solitaire. This game has been ruining my life.
Do you know what my goal of yesterday was? : Not to play Spider Solitaire even once.
My life has changed a lot this year. Isn’t it strange that you don’t notice yourself growing day to day?
….and today’s goal: Not to play Spider Solitaire even once.
People say it’s good for you to play puzzle games. “It’s like meditation”
Well it is certainly not a “meditative” thing for me. And what’s even
more strange is I’m terrible at the game. I get so fixated on finishing
one line of cards that I’ll miss out on other opportunities.
Sometimes I’ll play Spider Solitaire for 3 hours straight. I won’t
answer my phone, I get annoyed if I get hungry or have to get a drink
of water. I joke with Q and tell him it’s “quiet time.” This game takes
over my mind and puts me into a bizarre state of frustration and
eventually disappointment. The disappointment comes from realizing the
time I’ve spent with this game and what I could have been doing with
that time. Then, begrudgingly I’ll work on other things…all the while
feeling like I’m missing out on some good solitaire time. Many times,
when I’m not playing the game, I’ll see imaginary cyber cards being
placed in sequence. They never win and finish…they just line up one by
one…almost every number except the 3, 2, ace. It makes me feel crazy.
The more work I have to do, the more I want to play solitaire. Like, why couldn’t it be the other way around?!
Anyway, today is day two without it. I’ve cleaned the house, eaten half
a bag of raisins, written extra long emails, and I’m now writing about
Solitaire. Q mentioned that I seem restless today. And I am! I want to
play spider solitaire. But I know it’s bad for me. I suppose this is
the same obsessive nature that caused me to play piano and sing songs
over and over again. I’m hoping that letting this habit go will help me
to redirect my energies into more fulfilling things.
But for now, it takes all the willpower I can muster not to click on my
spider solitaire game. Sure, it would be easier just to delete the
program from my computer, but unbelievable, I’m not able to do that.
I’ve heard of smokers who needed to carry a pack of cigs around for
months after they had quit. I suppose you just need to know that you
have the freedom to do what you want to if you just can’t stop
yourself.
Tomorrow’s goal: not to play spider solitaire.
July 6th, 2009
Garbage and Changes
Here I am in Sudbury enjoying the Northern Lights
Festival Boreal. It’s wonderful to come back and perform here. I see so
many old friends, but always meet new ones too.
Strangely, I didn’t notice the garbage strike until we actually left of
the city. It’s funny how thankful I am to see public garbage cans that
we can actually use : ). Even visiting my mom, I didn’t realize how
often I think about garbage until I realize how thankful I am not to be
concerned about it. When I’m shopping for groceries, I take more time
considering how much packaging is involved. And, I’ll often pass on
fast food, which creates more waste. People are saying this might last
for 2 months! I fear for the city. I really do.
Last week, I had epiphany about recording. I was at Chalet studios
working with my friend Sean Gugula. I’d hired him to mix my latest
song. (“Mixing” means to balance the sounds of the instruments together
and to give each sound the audio “space” which will be appealing to the
human ear.) It is an EXTREMELY important job. One which I am unable to
do well on my own (which bothers me slightly.) Sean is a whiz at this.
As we were talking about it, he said it takes 10,000 hours to be an
expert at something and he’s just about reaching that now with audio
engineering.
As I sat and heard Sean bring my song to life, I considered my efforts
at creating my own recording studio. I’ve been recording in our bedroom
closet since February. I’ve been learning how to use computer programs,
how to properly place mics, and how to edit or enhance performances. I
think, I’ve spent at least 400 hours working on this. Because of this,
I haven’t practiced as much as I used to, and when I record my parts, I
often keep a mediocre take knowing that I can edit it to make it sound
better. When I considered that it would take another 9, 600 hours to
become an expert engineer, I decided this is not the field that I’m
most interested in and that putting more time into perfecting a
performance will undoubtedly be the most rewarding way to spend my
time.
So my professional audio engineering career is over and I will use now
my home studio to make fun demos….which I will then re-record in a
professional studio. There’s no doubt I would like to have a
professional studio of my own one day, but even then, I will hire a
professional engineer to record, edit, and mix my parts. I’ll find
something else to do with the other 9,600 spare hours I’ll have : )
June 29th, 2009
Goals
What a year this has been. My visions have been changed
completely. The dreams I had in the past are much different from
before. The things I want are changing.
When I was younger, I thought people lost their ambition as they got older and I thought this was a bad thing.
I no longer feel this way.
I remember reading that people who write down their goals and keep them
on the fridge are much more likely to obtain those goals over a certain
period of time. But the question is: Do the people who don’t achieve
these goals lead a worse life than those who do?
If my goal were to climb Kilimanjaro, up until the point when I
actually climbed it, would I always have anxiety about not climbing it?
And if so, would it mean that my day-to-day life would feel just a
little less full due to the fact that I still hadn’t accomplished my
goal?
This year has been different. Recording and performing are two entirely
different things. One requires a lot of socializing, whereas the other
requires hours and hours of time by yourself. This year has been very
much about sitting in our bedroom / studio by myself. Once you get used
to this setting, it seems to become more difficult to go out into the
world.
Summer shows start this week-end. I haven’t performed in a month. I
have stage fright like never before. My dream of performing at the Air
Canada Center is lost for the moment due to the stage fright of a few
festival appearances. I love the idea of doing something that scares
you every day. But sometimes I wonder if being able to stomach your
food is important too : )
After almost a month of not practicing at all, the first few rehearsals
were difficult. I can truly understand how people label themselves as
“tone deaf” and “musically unable.” I strongly believe that most people
wouldn’t feel negative about their music abilities if they were just
given the chance to practice without inhibitions. It only takes a few
days of sounding awful before things start to clear up….kinda like a
three day long oil change : )
I’m definitely in a decision making stage. I could keep moving forward
on the performer’s path, or I could hide out in my studio and create
forever. Some people can do both. I’m not sure if I want that.
It’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m actually happier than I’ve ever been in
my life. It is a great relief to have found a partner who loves me for
who I am. It is wonderful to finally realize that I’m loveable no
matter what I do. This thought has caused me to sit back and really
think about what I WANT to do. It’s definitely a stage of “nesting”
that I never imagined myself to go through.
April 8th, 2009
Oatmeal
Nearly every morning of my childhood life, my dad would
cook a pot of oatmeal and offer it to my sister and I. I can count on
one hand how many times I actually ate it. I hated it. As I’ve gotten
older and have experimented with my diet, I’ve grown to appreciate
oatmeal for what it does to my body. No amount of cereal or toast can
top a good old-fashioned bowl of oatmeal in the morning. The long
lasting energy I get from it is amazing.
But I still dislike the mushy texture and plain old taste. I usually
bury my oatmeal under a bunch of cereal and chocolate almond milk. You
can barely even taste it, but it still reminds me of my dad and how he
was right about the oatmeal all those years : )
April 5th, 2009
Spider Solitiare
I’m at my mom's this weekend. I had a wonderful time
performing for the Heritage Fair fundraiser on Friday, recording a duet
with my friend and brother-in-law, going to church with the family on
Sunday, and attending the rally to try to prevent CBC radio cut backs
in Northern Ontario.
My mom plays this game called “Spider Solitaire” on her gigantic, old
computer. I’ve always known she likes this game, but I had no idea what
it was all about. So, on Friday she showed me how to play and I’ve been
either on that computer or sitting beside my mom as she plays the game.
I’ve done this for so many hours that I woke up with dreams of the game
in my head this morning. I recall having all the numbers line up
perfectly in my dream. I was on a serious roll : )
My first intention was to download this game so that I could play it
whenever I wanted, but I have since realized that, once I start
playing, I become completely and totally addicted to this game.
March 24th, 2009
Starting Fresh
This month has been busy. I worked so hard to record
“Warm Hands” in my home studio, but when I took my tracks to a
professional producer, he told me that even if he mixes is really well
it will still not sound much better than a demo CD.
So it’s been back to the drawing board this month. I don’t want this
song to sound like a demo. I need the real deal. After much debate
whether to shop around for a more experienced producer, I’ve come full
circle back to producing it myself. Either I’m a sucker for punishment,
or really just set in my ways. I like to think it’s the second.
I caught a cold a couple of weeks ago, and for some reason my sinuses
became remarkably clear for four hours. I’ve don’t think I’ve ever had
a better singing day in my life!
March 1st, 2009
Our Radiator has my diamond pendant
The pendant off my chain is stuck behind the radiator in the bathroom.
Q had given it to me for Christmas two years ago. It was “The Journey” made out of diamonds. Every few days I take the flashlight and morph my face beside the wall to try and see behind the rad. Or I’ll open up a coat hanger and scrape it around back there in hopes to dislodge the pendant. Last week, I tweezed out a bobby pin and a pack of matches that looked like they were from the early 70s. It’s difficult to see the rad every day and know that it has my pendant and is using it for nothing. It makes me wonder if anyone will ever find it? Will it end up in a garbage dump 100 years from now when the building is torn down? I just stopped for a minute and debated putting 50 years instead of 100. Time is such a funny thing. It’s hard to imagine what changes will occur over 50 years.
The past couple of weeks have been unusual and emotional. I’ve been over excited and under excited and barely in the middle. And tired…ridiculously tired. My main goal is to finish recording the song “Warm Hands.” It’s been almost finished for weeks now. I haven’t touched it since my last listen through over a week ago. The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll be laughed at when I bring my tracks to professional studio for mixing. In case you’re not sure what mixing is, it is the balance of sound between the instruments and vocals. The importance of mixing is unbelievable. There are teeny tiny frequencies and minute volume differences that can make a song sound like a million or a hundred bucks. Since I’m recording most of my material in our bedroom, I need to bring my tracks to a professional sound engineer for mixing because I don’t have the equipment nor the ears to make it sound like a million bucks. My fear is that the mixing engineer will tell me to take me crappy tracks and go home. Now that I’ve written this down, it doesn’t sound nearly as bad as it did in my head. I guess if I were a nurse who did a crappy job, I’d end up hurting or killing someone. At least if I did a crappy job of this, I could get a second chance.
There is one other thing that bothers me about producing this song. Many people have said I need to give it a “country music edge.” It’s not my style to try and insert “country music edge” into the song and I know I’ll be criticized for it. Criticism is such a funny thing. It can only affect you sometimes and by some people. And oftentimes it can help you improve. And so I battle to do the best thing for me based on what I hear people saying and what I hear in my own head. I’m trying to grow “big shoulders” these days so this will be another addition to them I suppose.
It’s a cold, tired day.
Ang
Feb. 14th, 2009
Challenges (pronounced Shallengees)
Recently I’ve been challenged on a few different fronts. Learning how to record myself is a HUGE challenge for me and has caused me to look at producers and engineers with a newfound respect. I’ve almost concluded that anyone who can actually finish a recording and be happy with it is somewhat of a phenomenon. It is so hard to be satisfied with anything I record…especially when I know that I can record as many times as I like. The variations of songs from minute to grand scale are endless….which is a problem for me.
The second challenge has come to me in the form of a question from a friend. They asked me about my beliefs and questioned why I don’t speak more publicly about them.
And so come the follow up questions to myself….Am I doing enough? I’m a throwing away opportunities to promote positive change? Why do I not speak out about my beliefs? Is it because I’m afraid that everyone will think I’m crazy?
So, here are some of my beliefs of this moment…
Politics: I think the Canadian system of government would work much better if the characters involved didn’t act like a bunch of children and if the decided parties had a singular motive which was to improve our country…not a the motive to take over government.
Money: This is beyond me right now because so many people are struggling for jobs. I don’t have a clue about how to solve this problem immediately, but my thoughts about the future are that I dream of a world where new companies which are conscientious of family and quality of life as well as environment, and who are responsible for every action they assume. I dream of workers who are treated fairly and who work out of respect for the company owners as well as a way of earning income. There is so much more to this topic, but I’ll leave it here for now.
Health: This is where I feel a bit obligated to speak since I’m a bit of a nut in this area. Our fight for cures is a very noble fight, but I believe that our fight for “prevention” is hugely overlooked because people would actually have to do something other than spend money. Our North American diet is one of the top three reasons for our health issues yet it has become like all other fads which have allowed food companies to prosper with their low-fat, calorie reduced, high Calcium, low sodium, super enriched, make-you-live-forever products. Our national food guide is an absolute joke, which no one understands or uses properly. Our society has been led to believe that, unless you have a glass of milk each day, your bones will deteriorate and you’ll shrivel up and die at age 40. Meanwhile we have the 2nd largest number of cases per capita of hip replacements due to osteoporosis. There is something very wrong with this picture. Don’t even get me started on Cancer. The worst part is that, we not only feed and expose ourselves to crap that can cause diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, we actually do it to our kids….KNOWINGLY. And the reason is, like a big corporation, there’s no singular blame to be given. White bread is bad for you, but it doesn’t kill you immediately…neither do high doses of meat, milk, eggs, carbonated drinks, coffee. But when you add them all up, it’s a delicious stew of North American diseases of affluence.
War: I believe that all problems among humans have come from misunderstanding of ourselves and of other people. I believe the end of war will come only when the balance of femininity matches masculinity. People have come a long way to understanding each other but there is such a long way to go. Despite how far women have come by teaming together and empowering each other, there is also a terrible breed of women that has grown out of this. They are the ones who start wars among each other. In high school I found the “clique” girls to be very dangerous for social growth and I sometimes admired the boys for having more acceptance for one another. As I’ve gotten older, I realized that “clique” girls often turn into “clique” women and the circle does not break, as you’d expect. I feel that the woman of our past who fought for equality and fairness for the woman of the future would be embarrassed at how some of us have chosen to use our power. Women are entering an era where we barely need men. We can have babies without even touching a man. And by teaming together with each other, we have realized that our force is strong and wealthy. So where does this leave our men? Some have taken it well, but others are resentful at the strange new balance because they don’t understand what it could mean. So the question is: where will we go with our newfound power? Despite all we’ve done, our power is maintained by our masculine side and I see the pendulum still stuck there. And my hope is that we will, one day, allow ourselves to be the vulnerable, kind, loving, brave, strong woman we were meant to be. It is my dream that people will grow to an empowered state that is so nurtured they will not have the need to backstab or hurt people around them. The day that war ends is the day when people can look at their own neighbor without resentment, or competition. It is my hope that we hand our country back over to the Mothers of it with a newfound trust and respect. I once wrote up a plan for our government which involved seven, highly intelligent Mothers and grandmothers of all ages and education. I figured that by having only Mothers running our country we could guarantee that actions would only be for the good of the future.
This was in a time before I realized that there are amazing men with the exact same love and motivation. This is why I think it’s so important to maintain our power, but also to empower our men at the same time. It will take a lot of strength of character, but I believe most of us have that kind of strength.
Obviously there are women in other countries (and even in our own country) who are not as far ahead in this movement, but I don’t think it would take much more than a spark to cause a global trend of feminine power to rise and I have faith that, once given back our power we would use it to serve for good. I think all humans know when they are being treated unfairly…even if they’ve had years of being told they deserve their treatment. Battered women often go back to their battered situations over and over again…which is disheartening. But some don’t…and it’s those few that can ignite fires.
There are so many more things to speak about, but I think I’ll leave them for another day.
Feb. 4th, 2009
Blockbuster
I had an important show to prepare for and one of the things I do to prepare for shows is to practice feeling confident in myself. I go for walks and listen to “strong woman” songs and I pull my shoulders back and try to look people in the eye as I am walking. It’s all part of my strategy to become one of the women I admire most. The ones who are comfortable in their own skin and can’t be brought down by anyone.
So, a few days ago, I decided that I would walk to Blockbuster while listening to my “strong woman” music and confidently puffing out my chest.
I arrive at blockbuster with my coupon, which says: “rent one new release, and get a second one-weeker for free” or something like that. So I get my two movies and approach the cash and the guy tells me my coupon won’t work for my chosen movie and that I should have brought my blockbuster card and that I only get one “Mulligan” and this is it.
So I head back through the store in search of an appropriate movie for which I can use my coupon.
I get back to the cash and there’s a new lady working. I explain the whole “I forgot my card” thing and the coupon problem and she tells me that the new movie I’ve chosen will not work with my coupon either and that all I need to do is pick out two more and I’d only have to spend $1. I can’t believe this deal! It’s unbelievable…which is exactly what it was…unbelievable. So, while my first two choices are waiting at the cash with the coupon, I pick out two more movies and come back to the cash. This time there’s a line up behind me. I get to the cash and the lady, again reminds me that they can’t rent movies without photo I.D. or a blockbuster card. Okay, okay, I’ll never forget it again…geez! I can feel my confidence floating under the counter and into her body. She rings up all my movies (I have four and two bags of chips for Q at this point because of my “unbelievable” deal, ) and the price is something like $25. I start to explain that I misunderstood which deal she was talking about and I just want to use my coupon. She rolls her eyes and starts to explain what my options are, but by this point I can’t hear her anymore. Her words sound like the schoolteacher from Charlie Brown. I feel sweat around my neck and down my back, my heart’s beating fast and I know the panic is starting to set in. I can feel the man behind me who has now stepped past the place where he’s supposed to line up and is close at my back….breathing down my neck. I move around a little and step backwards quickly to try to scare him into thinking I’m unpredictable so that he’ll move back and give me space. But he doesn’t budge. I choose whatever I can see with my blurry eyes. The lady hands me back my coupon…which I guess I can’t use for these choices. I produce my Blockbuster gift card from my pocket and run it through the machine, which is showing something like $17.
She tells me I only have $1.58 on my card so I produce my bank card and start swiping it while she’s rolling her eyes and practically yelling at me to swipe my Blockbuster card first! I just want the nightmare to end. Why can’t I puff out my chest and maintain eye contact like I practiced on the way over here!!! I’m swiping my cards this way and that …while the impatient cashier is sighing, rolling her eyes, and commanding me to use the machine properly. My heart feels like it’s going to explode and my mind is getting out of control and I burst out saying “you can stop talking to me like that now!!” I couldn’t believe I said it! What’s happening to me!? Former Ang would NEVER do anything like that. We both look at each other in shock and embarrassment. The cashier gently tells me to swipe my bankcard and I apologize for all the trouble and leave with my stuff.
On the way home I tried, again, to listen to my “strong woman” music and hold my shoulders back, but I spent most of them time struggling to get over the frustration of losing my cool to the Blockbuster lady.
After explaining the event to Q, I declared: “I’m never going to Blockbuster again!” He agreed it was a good idea…just like he always does….knowing I’ll go back in a few weeks to try and use the coupon again. How quickly we forget : )
January 15th, 2009
Jan 15th, 2009
The Post Office
I don’t have a problem with Canada post. I seem to get most of my mail on time and, as far as I know, the things that I send out seem to arrive at the appropriate times.
But there’s one post office that I’ve been boycotting for quite some time now. It’s the one at Bloor and Dovercourt in Toronto.
I believe that Fod (my spiritual leader Fate + God) found a point on earth where he could
contact me and play jokes….and it is at this post office.
There are two reasons why I have been boycotting this post office:
1. While heading towards the front door, I would look in the post office window and note that there was no one in line. Then I’d rush to the door, and as I scuffled inside 10 people would rush in and stand in the line in front of me….making my post office wait time to be ridiculously long.
2. While heading towards the front door, I would look in the post office window and note that there was no one in line. Then I’d rush to the door (to avoid #1) to find that there was only one person working and the one person in line had a HUGE box of letters to be sent first class. Again…the wait time which seemed like forever.
These two situations happened so many times that it became a comical thing. Going to the post office was a 45 minute affair. And despite how many times it happened, I was determined that, one day, it would all change.
So, recently I ended up at Bloor and Dovercourt with a bunch of letters to be mailed. I decided I would give in for the FINAL test, and decided to try this post office once again.
As per usual, no one was in line when I walked by the window, and I was surprised that the one man in front of me with the 18 packages to send, was finishing up quickly. So I get to the teller and my first two stamps were processed and ready for relocation to my letters. I was feeling surprised and excited. Then I notice the teller start hitting the buttons on her computer and cursing. “Aw damn, it’s frozen again!” She starts whacking all kinds of buttons and I start saying “ Don’t! Don’t! I’m sure there’s a way to fix this problem!” And she says “No, this happened yesterday and it took hours to get somebody in to fix it. I can’t sell you those stamps and you’ll have to go somewhere else to mail these.”
I’m never going back to the Post office at Bloor and Dovercourt.
January 2nd, 2009
Who gets married nowadays?
Who gets married nowadays? Q and I do!!
On December 17th, after a wonderfully romantic treasure hunt through our shire (aka apartment), Q got down on his knee and asked me to marry him.
I think I said “yes” before he could even finish his proposal!
In the past, marriage seemed like something for only old fashioned fools. It doesn’t seem that way anymore. I’ve never felt so complete and I’ve never been so sure about someone before. I thought, over the past couple of weeks, that I would feel worry or doubt, or nervousness. But there is simply none of that. And what exists is this unbelievable calm and confidence. Q is my best friend and we are promising to keep each other forever. It doesn’t get much better than that. He has brought so much calm, love, and joy into my life in such a short time, I can’t imagine what the next fifty years will do.
Months ago, Q and I had a late night talk in which we promised to stay together through thick and thin. When we awoke, I asked him if we had accidentally gotten married the night before. At that time, I thought that couples could feel married despite having rings on their fingers. I was always a stickler for thinking that marriage was an unnecessary step for people who were truly in love with one another. And I still believe it is. But, for me, it somehow feels different now that I’m engaged. There’s something special about the celebration of marriage and although it’s old-fashioned, it somehow lends that extra “encore” song to a great show. You don’t need it, but it sure is nice.
I’m so proud to wear Q’s ring on my finger and to say things like “I’ll ask my husband about this or that…” It’s strange coming from me, the big advocate of the empowerment of women. But I do feel empowered. I made a choice that was entirely my own. I have committed to someone who I love, who inspires me, and who treats me with respect. I have a one man team behind me and a new family to adopt into my life. So many gifts for one woman to have!
There’s a funny seriousness that our families have taken with us now that we’re engaged. I remember before Q proposed I was telling my sister that my nieces could call him “Uncle Q.” My sister immediately said “no they can’t…you guys aren’t even married.” I became quite angry saying “what’s the difference? We live together and we’ve planned our lives together? Do we really need that piece of paper to say that we’re a married couple?” I guess, for her, we did. And it goes for a few other family members and friends. There’s an extra, unnamed amount of seriousness that each person gives your relationship when you’re married / engaged. I’m sure this seriousness changes over time, but the announcement of our engagement has catapulted it into a new realm. I thought it wouldn’t matter to me how serious our families took our relationship, but it somehow makes a difference. I never thought I’d talk this way…but I never thought I’d end up this way either: Happy.
It’s been a wonderful Christmas holiday and I can’t wait to see what this New Year brings.
I hope that those of you who read this journal had a wonderful holiday too, and I wish you a New Year full of greatness and warmth!!
What’s happening to me!?? I feel like one of those cartoon characters with two great big hearts for eyes!!
Ang
